Photo by Xenonlit
A New Years resolution for 2012: Learn how to watermark photos.
Introduction
Every new year comes with a giant anvil that hangs over our heads. New Years resolutions are evil plots that goad us into doing more, doing better and doing what we are supposed to do. New Years resolutions are actually a hated, repulsive process that we cannot afford to think about during the coldest and most depressing months of the year.
A fresh new year should be about fresh
new starts in life, not guilt trips over our failures or losses in life. One way to prevent psychic turmoil is to start resolutions at different times during the year. Choose a season when you can operate on yourself with passion and joy rather than apprehension and fear.
Otherwise, you will be looking all crusty and haggard by Spring and it will all be because of those stinking resolutions!
Bloated resolutions get
us out of control. They cause disappointment and self doubt. Big business created a giant, carping nag that compels us to make grandiose resolutions, set impossible goals and make guilt laden promises.
Now is the time for a revolt.
We need to get real, feed the craving, indulge the passion and feel good about silencing the nag!
Photo by Xenonlit
A resolution to make pancakes from scratch.
Set realistic goals
Forget the weight loss
"boot camp" idea! This only leads to injury, pain and suffering. Try the "five minute plan", where you think about weight loss for five minutes. This might lead to doing something physical. Do this several times a day and say goodbye to time consuming traditional exercise.
Visualize yourself doing Zumba, climbing the Matterhorn or swimming in an azure sea. More advanced visualizers can go to Broadway and star in the "Zumba!" musical. Swimmers can evade a pack of rabid, prehistoric sharks. Social animals can visualize running a hotel on the slopes of the Matterhorn while hiding out from a pack of evil spies.
You will feel energized and less bored in no time! You might even get into a pool.
The
same goes for learning a language. Start
small, stay small and progress will
come.Watch foreign films and "Sabado Gigante" with the subtitles covered up. Whenever a person mutters a word you halfway understand, look it up. You will have a twenty-word vocabulary in no time!
Get some passion for that goal
If someone else sets
the goal for you, it is
probably an admirable and lofty goal. But a person needs passion for the work. No one can sustain the torture of doing worthy things unless they love the result more than they hate the work.
If you have the passion to become an artist, go ahead and be an artist! Have you seen the catastrophes that hang in modern art museums and thousands of mediocre art galleries these days? Good grief!
Creating good art is a lot harder than that, but who said that you need to be good? Just do something and talk about it! Think up some symbolic meanings, hidden messages and complicated motivations. Come up with a lot of representational stuff that only you understand. Fake it with gusto and your crappy art will be fine.
Review past accomplishments and dust them off for the new year
People set a foundation for the rest of their lives when they make youthful accomplishments.
Let others know that you once had a life. This does not mean that you get to be a sixty year old cheerleader or break a neck playing pickup basketball. Do not try to squeeze into the old Army uniform or sexy retro outfit, either.
Forget it. Stop that!
Write a blog about those things! A grand total of five people show up to read your writing. One of them will comment and ramble on about his or her own comparable experience. You will have had a conversation with someone other than your uninterested loved ones and yourself!
Photo by Xenonlit
2012 resolution: Create and publish a book. Actually published two books
Try some micro resolutions
We get so focused on the big, dumb milestones that we miss the small, smart improvements! Why bother with the big when we can revel in the small! Call it making micro New Years resolutions.
Cut back on fat and sugar because that is beneficial whether we
lose weight or not.
Weight loss exists even when no
one else notices it!
Walk more, putter around more and move more.
Cutting
smoking in half is cutting smoking in half, no matter what anyone says
about quitting entirely.
Compared to doing nothing, the micro accomplishments tell our demanding, guilt riddled, perpetually dissatisfied minds to STFU.
Know the difference between taking a break and quitting
It is fine to take a break from long term or permanent self improvement programs! Quitting is different. Quitting is actually a mental process and here is how it happens, according to No One In Particular.*
Fat, chain-smoking, alcoholic elves live in our brains. They move our thoughts from one place to another, but they cannot leave a thought alone. They add in other people's thoughts. They bring in stupid thoughts like this,
"If we stop working on a resolution, then we must quit for good."
Whack those elves! Whack them good! Take back ownership of your own thoughts. Ask whether you neglect other important parts of your life because you are too busy working on resolutions.
Look in the mirror. Is crusty haggardness starting to show? Take some time off when you need to tend to other things. Keep life in balance.
However, law enforcement or other official agencies might step in to prevent you from enjoying your really bad habits. You cannot go back to being a bank robber, "dine-and-dash" glutton, extreme golden rule violator, kleptomaniac, general maniac, unemployed pothead, hoarder, Evil Barbie, bath salts sniffer, murderous gold digger, violent abuser or drunken lout.
Try establishing resolutions and goals that are appropriate for each season
Winter
is the best time to work on indoor goals, such as sex, art,
studying, writing, indoor exercise, healthier cooking and education.
Spring is
good for more active goals like gardening, frisky sex, house cleaning and home improvement.
Summer is good for buck wild sex, exploration, exercising, losing weight with fresh fruits and vegetables, and getting a relaxing vacation.
Fall is a good time to learn, eat healthy, get regular sex, travel and prepare
for the Winter.
Summary
Be like "Big Pussy" from "The Sopranos". Whack those funky brain-elves before you make any new years resolutions. Get passionate about your goals and build on past accomplishments.
Celebrate the small milestones. Remember that resolutions allow for breaks and vacations. Try resolutions that are appropriate for each season of the coming year. The results are amazing. Just amazing.
People who have not seen you for a while will say, "You haven't changed a bit!" You have not gotten all crusty and haggard looking from doing New Years resolutions!
Photo by Xenonlit
Relatively crust free in 2013!
* No one in particular: http://nooneinparticular.co.uk/
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